Monday, October 4, 2010

But why not..







30. 09. 2010
9.42 pm

A letter.



my love..



i dont know if i can call you the same..
few seconds back my phone was laughing at me for trying to call on the same number for the 100th time or more..
i knew it was going to say again " the number you have dialled is currently unavailable"
yea that makes me feel better, it says "currently unavailable" that means it might be available later..

when we cant talk..
when we cant see...
when we cant be together..
we know how it feels..
then what make us feel better is the love we have for each other,
but when we miss each other,
i think you know what i mean by "i miss you"
i miss "you in me" or "me in you"

i cant even ask you why this is happening..
because i owe you a lot..
my life..
you really loved me like noone ever loved before..
you really cared me like noone ever cared before..
you really really hugged me like.....

i cant tell you in words what i miss now..
i know i cant ask you "why"
i owe you much more than that..
but tell me what i should do..

i still believe what we had was pure and serene, no?
i still believe in us..and our love..

my dear...
i was trying to convince myself that..
may be
1. he is really busy.
2. he is with his family.
3. he is etc etc.

so i should just simply wait and give him time...
is that what i should do?

or sometimes my thoughts pour some other colors..
they say
1. he has something else to tell you..
2. he has some misunderstandings..
3. he is out of this.
4. he is....

i dont know it goes on...
i thought you might even "regret" what we had...
but that could be the worst..

dearest...
i will never come to disturbe you in your life..
you should just tell me ...
i have already got more than i deserve...
you will be always deep in my heart..

the other day when i called you ..
you were asking me "who am i to you"?
my love..

im not asking you "why"
i still believ in us...
but just tell me what i should do..
am i left alone in this path?
should i turn back hoping ill be seeing you there..
or if i turn back is that going to be a blank empty endless road?
then i better not to turn back..
ill tell myself that you were there...
and i walk further, believing myself you are with me...
and you will be...

im not asking you "why you came to me"
because i have got more than i deserve...
so i should be happy with what i had already..
but tell me what i should do now..
where should i stand..

you took me to the heights - heights of love and care..
up above my world...
much above the sky and those stars..
i didnt know how to fly..
you took me there..
and one fine day i see me alone there...
you left me?
i am not ready to believ that...
where are you?
hiding behind those stars?
clouds?
mon amour...
is this end of the fly?
am i falling down ?
without you?

but you know what..
ill be falling happily..
becaue i had such a wonderful time with you...
those memories could be the best thing in my life..
thank you ...if only i can hug you now..
cant wait to see you...

im still not asking you "why..."
but please tell me what to do..

im this little girl who lost her way....
sitting under that big banyan tree near the temple we have gone together once...
sitting there all those evenings nights and mornings..
hoping that her love will come back one day and give her a hug...
what is it making you go so far away from me?
what is it...

my dear friend...
you know me , no?
then why..
how....

im crossing my fingers..
praying with all my heart..
that you still love me..
that you still understand me..
that you still feel me..
that you are still my love..

you dont regret what we had, do you?
oh my little prince... ill die the moment you say that...
you dont have to come back to me....
but dont ever misunderstand "my love for you"
you know what you are for me.., right?

sigh...
what else i can say..
can i just call you "my love.."
and keep you in my heart with all my love?
and just live my life hoping that you are with me..?

i tried calling you again on that phone "now it is switched off"
my life.......
you plkease take care....
all my prayers love and wishes will be there for you and your family..
i think whatever that makes us separate is not something "i did"
and please forgive me if i did anything wrong without knowing..
and if i said something wrong in this mail...

dear...
you did care for me...
you did love me..
so i did...
and i still do...

umma kuttii...
why dont you just call me one more time and say "umma kutti"?
why not?

oh my god..
how i wish to die now...
as i said the other day..
after all its a small beautiful life..
keep walking..

but tell me ....



wont you?

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

incroyable

parukutty said...

..i feel my life in ur words..
..dont know to cry or smile..
..what if i cry?
..will my heart hear dt??
..what if i smile?
..will my soul accept that??
...........

Anonymous said...

is it syed?

BORAN said...

U say u are falling..u say u are happily falling..but u can bear the pain..those memories are so addicting like cravings of alcohol by a drunkard, drugs by an addict..Leave it apart , stop haunting the memories..it may haunt u and hunt u down..but..still..move on.. :)