i guess you are not coming.. :)

there was a mail i sent you few days back when i realized...

you are not coming online anymore..

i see my chat windows empty...

where i thought ill write to you..

"

i thought this night you would come online..

:) i guess you are not coming...

hope everything went well.. and you are back on your feet :)

love for both of you...

big hug!

if you do not feel comfortable to talk to me any more, i understand...

you do not have to...

take your time... and if you ever not feel awkward,

write to me few lines about how you are...

bye fore now...

take care.."

there you replied

"

I dont know what to do , im not going to dissapear for ever , but maybe not talking that much as we did, and not in the same mood.

But just want you to know that you always going to be my friend and if you need some help ,

or just someone to hear you sometims ill be here.

And all the things we lived together are for ever in my heart, you were with me in one of the most important moments in my life,

and i wont forget that."

there was a slight pain on my upper chest while you were telling me this is over and out and you are leaving me.....

because all the reasons which made you to decide for leaving me was convincing me.. :) well .. that is life, i understand... i knew it ...

i smiled... and my eyes were struggling so hard to absorb the rolling tears coming down on my face...

and i told you " i am alright and ill be with a smile"

where you were forced to believe that i am doing good..

so that you can leave me without guilt....

i knew you so much...

and you were part of me...

you know what ...

it was only chat windows... i know..

people need touch...smell..sex...

and you dont get that real things through virtual world...

but you know what..

i was living with you in my windows...chat windows

and had sex almost all the nights we had spent together..in my chat windows..

but i never got pregnant though :D hahahaha...

i know the days and nights were different for us...

we were in a complete different time and space...

but we were together..

for the whole last summer..

:) my summer with you on my chat windows...

and now its monsoon...im all alone... :)

looking through real windows... :) and dancing alone...

hey " you still owe me one tango night " , dont you???

may be next life... as you said to me the first day we met and while we kissed... :)

may be we meet next life... :)

how selfish me!

it aches on my upper chest...

"ill be alright :)" with a smile... :)

you please be with her...

:)

te amo...

you may never know what i mean by that....

:)

take care

my little monkey...

girls room

ladies toilet...

its so nice to sit here..

on her lap... my western toilet..i used to hate her before...

i was all indian.. :) and then used to get pain on me knee..

but now i have started liking the western and then i feel never to even come out of it..

you can just simply sit there.. and do nothing or do everything..

But why not..

30. 09. 2010
9.42 pm

A letter.

my love..

i dont know if i can call you the same..
few seconds back my phone was laughing at me for trying to call on the same number for the 100th time or more..
i knew it was going to say again " the number you have dialled is currently unavailable"
yea that makes me feel better, it says "currently unavailable" that means it might be available later..

when we cant talk..
when we cant see...
when we cant be together..
we know how it feels..
then what make us feel better is the love we have for each other,
but when we miss each other,
i think you know what i mean by "i miss you"
i miss "you in me" or "me in you"

i cant even ask you why this is happening..
because i owe you a lot..
my life..
you really loved me like noone ever loved before..
you really cared me like noone ever cared before..
you really really hugged me like.....

i cant tell you in words what i miss now..
i know i cant ask you "why"
i owe you much more than that..
but tell me what i should do..

i still believe what we had was pure and serene, no?
i still believe in us..and our love..

my dear...
i was trying to convince myself that..
may be
1. he is really busy.
2. he is with his family.
3. he is etc etc.

so i should just simply wait and give him time...
is that what i should do?

or sometimes my thoughts pour some other colors..
they say
1. he has something else to tell you..
2. he has some misunderstandings..
3. he is out of this.
4. he is....

i dont know it goes on...
i thought you might even "regret" what we had...
but that could be the worst..

dearest...
i will never come to disturbe you in your life..
you should just tell me ...
i have already got more than i deserve...
you will be always deep in my heart..

the other day when i called you ..
you were asking me "who am i to you"?
my love..

im not asking you "why"
i still believ in us...
but just tell me what i should do..
am i left alone in this path?
should i turn back hoping ill be seeing you there..
or if i turn back is that going to be a blank empty endless road?
then i better not to turn back..
ill tell myself that you were there...
and i walk further, believing myself you are with me...
and you will be...

im not asking you "why you came to me"
because i have got more than i deserve...
so i should be happy with what i had already..
but tell me what i should do now..
where should i stand..

you took me to the heights - heights of love and care..
up above my world...
much above the sky and those stars..
i didnt know how to fly..
you took me there..
and one fine day i see me alone there...
you left me?
i am not ready to believ that...
where are you?
hiding behind those stars?
clouds?
mon amour...
is this end of the fly?
am i falling down ?
without you?

but you know what..
ill be falling happily..
becaue i had such a wonderful time with you...
those memories could be the best thing in my life..
thank you ...if only i can hug you now..
cant wait to see you...

im still not asking you "why..."
but please tell me what to do..

im this little girl who lost her way....
sitting under that big banyan tree near the temple we have gone together once...
sitting there all those evenings nights and mornings..
hoping that her love will come back one day and give her a hug...
what is it making you go so far away from me?
what is it...

my dear friend...
you know me , no?
then why..
how....

im crossing my fingers..
praying with all my heart..
that you still love me..
that you still understand me..
that you still feel me..
that you are still my love..

you dont regret what we had, do you?
oh my little prince... ill die the moment you say that...
you dont have to come back to me....
but dont ever misunderstand "my love for you"
you know what you are for me.., right?

sigh...
what else i can say..
can i just call you "my love.."
and keep you in my heart with all my love?
and just live my life hoping that you are with me..?

i tried calling you again on that phone "now it is switched off"
my life.......
you plkease take care....
all my prayers love and wishes will be there for you and your family..
i think whatever that makes us separate is not something "i did"
and please forgive me if i did anything wrong without knowing..
and if i said something wrong in this mail...

dear...
you did care for me...
you did love me..
so i did...
and i still do...

umma kuttii...
why dont you just call me one more time and say "umma kutti"?
why not?

oh my god..
how i wish to die now...
as i said the other day..
after all its a small beautiful life..
keep walking..

but tell me ....

wont you?

when i see the sea..

it has been darker than ever..

i see the sea of ash and deep blue..

and im blind..

i dont see the colors anymore..

i dont see the rainbow..

i dont see me anymore...

yes...

its a long time...
since i have been here...

the other day he was asking to her
what is sin..
and she smiled

but today when she saw him, she said
you know what, i am sin!

hey im sick!!

i thought i was fallin ill,
and i was,

incredibly ill im!!
and the pain blooms in my abdomen..
and it burns, n grows like a big banyan tree..
and it burns from it roots to the leaves..

i just feel like to cut it!! cut it from the bottom
the root goes until the edge of my vagina..
and it start bleedin there...

hey sweety..
it says take a pain killer and sleep tight..
oh !!

kill my pain!!

come back..

yea we said its different now.. but,

i never wanted this to fade away..

i never wanted you to go beyond that..

come back.. though we left us..

come back and hug me, my love

come back...

im happy!

im happy

its all about happiness...
my chocolate melts...mmm.. yummy..
im happy...

i love this..
its a rainbow..

orgasm..

i didnt know that i cant go back..

i wish: can i go back where i was?
u say: u can never my dear..
i wish: y? i want to go back to the same time n space..
u say: u cant, coz it doesnt exist anymore..
i wish: ah.. if i go back..?
u say: ull be in a different time and space.. thats all

i wish: its painful...
u say: it is...

c`est la vie..

hmm..

i dont know its life..
i can see that i have started feeling comfort to be alone..
as i was always..

hmm.. last week was strange...
ahhh.. yea im alone..
and i love it..
i love my life..

kani signed inn..

loud..

tonight..

i wanted to cry...

cry loud,

loud...more loud..

more n more...

i miss everything!!

i want to delete this past!!

from recycle bin!!

shut down n restart..

boot again.....

hey u just told me...to prove y i exist!!

i think its impossible for me..

cry loud!

laugh loud!!

hey i smell like "surf excel"

what fun!!!

i dont like to take bath..

i found that i really dont like to take bath...
hmm.. even if its hot.. n im dirty...
stinking... anything goes...
i wont take bath... unless i feel..
hmm... today n yesterday..it was too hot..
n i was walking running here and there...
n too much dirt in me... still no bath...

but u know something...
right now just now..i took a bath...!
i cant believe myself!! huh!!

scared of me!

it seems people are scared of me..

i was thinking...

yea im full of love.. so i can hurt..

as anyone can hurt anyone else..

But i still think y can't u take me as what im..

i cant stop expressing...!!

if u r hurt or if u r scared

yea..may be..

i have to also take it that way..

yea ill...

ill try it that way my freind..

but i wish if you could see me as what it is..

and not be scared...

i told you no...

i turned to see things in different ways too..

tahts my growing..

my learning..

its moving.....

head over heels...

unseen words...
its about a girl who always stayed there on that conrener of the road.....
near coffee day.....
and herself thinking that.. they will turn back once and will see her...
and she is seen!!

flowering...
flowering.....
flowering.......

we are in love..