he said " you stir me"

it made me happy....
but you know...
when you know its impossible to be together...
it is almost impossible..

saudade...
the love that remains..
thats where i am..

i have deep ache in my heart when i think of him..
how and why we are not together, i wonder...
my only true love...

i can keep crying thinking of us..
ha..!

A letter from an ex boy friend.

The day I came to know his mother passed away..
I wrote him a letter with my broken English...


And here is what he responds to me...
  
Kani

I hope you read and internalise the details. 

I did receive your email last week. I read through it and purposefully chose to not reply to the garbage that had more to speak about your feelings rather than the situation at hand. 

I did meet with friends in tvm over the last few days. All of them did tell me that you called in to break the news and talked at length. 

The same was mentioned to me by people who send condolences over whatsapp, FB and email based on your communication to them. 

To be honest I was annoyed but I chose to keep quiet. 

Now you have picked my number and called me. I am not sure who passed it on. I can only think of Manoj at the moment. 

It shouldn't be hard for anyone as intelligent as you to know that I did not want you to call considering I never responded to the email or never made an attempt to establish contact in a whole year. 

Since you don't respect my choice I do feel the need to make a few things very clear so that you understand that all this is nothing but annoyance. 

1. I don't have any intentions to be acquainted with you in whatsoever manner. You are certainly not the kind I want to be associated at all.

2. My personal opinion of you is that you are clinically  self absorbed, deceitful and parasitic and not worthy of my friendship, trust nor time and I refuse to be corrected on it because I have known you over time in multiple capacities. 

3. I keep in touch with people that I consider important and I do communicate with them significant incidents in my life at an appropriate time.  I do not need any help in this regard from you. Your gestures are all inappropriate and uncalled for. There have been other instances last year where you have tried to poke your nose with a couple of friends and I ignored it as juvenile behaviour. 

4. I lead a very contended life doing things that keeps me useful to others and myself and hopefully if things go big I might have more socially responsible roles to play in the future. I make very conscious efforts to erase all traces of my past that could potentially present roadblocks in my future journey.  You certainly belong to the past which I have buried keeping my future in mind. 

I have been very respectful of your space and I request you to do the same with me. 

I am marking Manoj in this email for very obvious reasons. I do know that you are friends with Manoj and Amritha. If you don't stop playing these games, I will have to offload my annoyance on Manoj which won't be a nice situation to have considering that we share the same working space. 

I don't enjoy writing this email as its filled with contempt and I hope this will be the last of its kind. In the whole last year, I have not expressed such strong language to anyone else. I have tried to be as candid as possible so we all know where the line is and how to not annoy each other. 

An apology for the annoyance would be nice.

Good luck with your future. 

vave....

Perhaps this is not the right thing to do...

you can delete this before reading it...

I just want you to know that i am waiting for the day we talk ...

As you have mentioned in your letter, we will run into each others space one day...

i have been thinking about writing this every single day,

we will be friends again no? 

that is what i believe rather hoping for...

if only one day you could forgive me..

if only one day you could heal the hurt... 

if only one day you could trust me again as a friend....

i just want you to know you are that special person in my life..

and nothing can fulfill the vaccum created by my lose of you...

i just want you to know that....

im waititng for the day we talk again...

im writing this for you to know these are my thoughts....

love

pappu

ill only smile..

Well..

I don't exist for you , thats what you told me .. and also said that its better for both of us
to keep it that way..
who says this my dear.. who says this.. and it is better for who..?
you have tried your best to provoke me.. :) well done..

you know what.. i know that i don't exist for you..
otherwise you would have never entered between me and him..
if you had any curtesy to think about the other person before getting in between ..
if you had.. ha! i wish..

see.. when you conveniently closed your eyes to not see me..
you shouldn't get effected by me, right?
i wonder how can you get hurt by me getting back with him!
for you surely "i don't exist!" do I ?
well there you go!

you never thought how i was feeling it when you were jumping naked with him and
cuddling with him in the balcony while he was ignoring my presence?
you just wanted him.. so you ignored everything  else..
so this is where you pay for it…

i was hurt ..
i was in agony..
constant pain..
if at all this makes you feel any better..
I'm telling you..
you were so bad my dear.. very very bad to me..

you were just happy with him and only wanted to belive what you wanted to believe..
very very convenient, nha!?

and I'm not justifying him…
but he tried his best to be in touch with you..
this was your choice to move away…
you don't deserve any of these concerns…
you can look at you life and think about how you treated others.. :)

and what if we were married?
you are the other woman, yea?
now you look at me like the other woman!
haha! whatever!!

and remember…
it was me and him.
you came later.. :)
please do not forget…
:) and I'm telling you again..
you just believed what you wanted to..

so ..


i had never a chance to see you in person..
if i get one..
ill only smile..
just smile..

the fight..

.......and i went down..and there was friends playing cards...playing cards in their new caravan...one boy and a girl, they are couple.. i love them..and one boy who is a friend ... nice guy...and one more boy also a friend, but i do not like him..so the story is about this guy i do not like and me..we just do not get along each other... and i joined them ,played cards...and after some time..while playing...this boy "i do not like" started annoying me as always, telling me what to do.. what not to do...i hate it..it was going on and on and on... it reached a pointhe was on my nerve..i hardly get angry.. but if i get angry i am very bad...this has been few days...i tried to tell him many times in different manner..but i guess he was never taking it serious..and then we had a fight.. he threw cards on my face and left.. he was hurt i think.. me too..i did mention him couple of times, keep distance..i have no issue for him being what he is..but i do not want him inside me..i try to avoid as much as i can..but he come closer and closer..he is a nice guy and with very good sense of humor..but i just do not like him...and then he left..everyone was disturbed...then i talked to them.. my friends, the couples,they already know that i do not like this guy..and then i cried.. because i was avoiding this situation since a month..i could see this was going to happen..then i tried my best to not let this happen..and still it happened..i cried because i could not balance it..i cried because i did hurt him, me, and everyone around..i cried because i could not find any other way but burst out...i cried because i was sad..i cried because i cried...and then we said we will play cards again...he left to his room..so with out him we played..and once we finish the game..i cried again...i laughed...laughed and cried...then came to my room..on my bed.. there is no fan on my ceiling..i still can hear wind blowing so strongly outside..tomorrow morning i will go to a second hand market... and then we will go to the top of the mountain..where nothing grows.. because, the wind blow so strong... i might fly away..i might be this girl who gone with the wind..

do you hate me now?

BROKEN TREE

you said" i cant go on like this kani

because i am emotionally vulnerable with you

and i am not like this.."

so i let you go…

you let me go…

i did save you by tearing my heart apart..

i did save you by breaking my heart into pieces..

i did save you by killing my spirit..

my friend…

while i saved you i lost me.. :)

i do not know if you will ever know this..

i did love you more than my "self"

and you left me alone in this street…

i didn't know when we played hide and seek..

you wanted to hide forever..

you wanted to hide somewhere very far so i will never find you..

and as always.. you won the game..

like you won the cards…

like you won the table tennis..

like you won everywhere..

you won in this too…

you have hidden from me..

and i cant find you… :)

you know its funny…

though tears are rolling out from me…

i was calling your name and running into each corner ..

thinking that you are just fooling me for sometime..

and when time passes.. 

i know i am fooled..

:) you are very far...

i do not see you…

i cant…

but i still want to believe that…

you are behind one corner..

just smiling…

is it a game?

or you have really gone from me?

i cant help but cry out loud…

a girl who was sitting next room came to me and asked " are you ok"?

i smiled, but she saw me in agony!

dear friend...

i never ever ever thought…

you would leave me…

i do not know if you had any idea what you were to me…

you broke my last hope i had in life ..

do you know my dear…

how carefully i kept you inside me…

the wound you left on me..

i hope it will heal by time…

but every single day i am hurt more and more…

i wish a car hit me while i walk on the road…

i wish i fall from a cliff…

i wish i will never wake up from sleep..

what will you be doing now..?

just smiling…? and eating around..?

do you even remember me..?

do you have any idea the vacuum you left in me..?

you know what..?

you were there in my dream today also…

you did talk to me.. smiled at me..

i was going to hug you.. know what scares me the most..?

the next time when i see you.. i so want to see you… but im soo scared..

may be you wont even hug me, no?

like the first time i saw you..?

like you will do everything like a stranger?

i still remember when you started getting close to me..

we were cuddling all the time… 

i was scared then that i am going to loose you…

like any other time, 

and i did lost you..

yes i was talking about the dream…

you were talking to me like a stranger , but smiling….

and i asked about her ..that girl…

" how is she.."?

and you smiled… and she was there and came up and asked me.. what did he replied..

and then you told us.. " yes kani.. im in a relationship with her.."

i wish i wont wake up from sleep..

you have broken me all the way down…

why do i meet amazing men and fall for them..

and then they are not dare to be with me..

they are scared as always..

because they feel weak when they are with me..

they are very emotionally vulnerable when they are with me..

so they stop being with me..

this is what they say before they leave… as always..

and even you… well done!

how easy!

I am deeply hurt..

you have broken me all the way down..

i wish i wont wake up from sleep..

i guess you are not coming.. :)

there was a mail i sent you few days back when i realized...

you are not coming online anymore..

i see my chat windows empty...

where i thought ill write to you..

"

i thought this night you would come online..

:) i guess you are not coming...

hope everything went well.. and you are back on your feet :)

love for both of you...

big hug!

if you do not feel comfortable to talk to me any more, i understand...

you do not have to...

take your time... and if you ever not feel awkward,

write to me few lines about how you are...

bye fore now...

take care.."

there you replied

"

I dont know what to do , im not going to dissapear for ever , but maybe not talking that much as we did, and not in the same mood.

But just want you to know that you always going to be my friend and if you need some help ,

or just someone to hear you sometims ill be here.

And all the things we lived together are for ever in my heart, you were with me in one of the most important moments in my life,

and i wont forget that."

there was a slight pain on my upper chest while you were telling me this is over and out and you are leaving me.....

because all the reasons which made you to decide for leaving me was convincing me.. :) well .. that is life, i understand... i knew it ...

i smiled... and my eyes were struggling so hard to absorb the rolling tears coming down on my face...

and i told you " i am alright and ill be with a smile"

where you were forced to believe that i am doing good..

so that you can leave me without guilt....

i knew you so much...

and you were part of me...

you know what ...

it was only chat windows... i know..

people need touch...smell..sex...

and you dont get that real things through virtual world...

but you know what..

i was living with you in my windows...chat windows

and had sex almost all the nights we had spent together..in my chat windows..

but i never got pregnant though :D hahahaha...

i know the days and nights were different for us...

we were in a complete different time and space...

but we were together..

for the whole last summer..

:) my summer with you on my chat windows...

and now its monsoon...im all alone... :)

looking through real windows... :) and dancing alone...

hey " you still owe me one tango night " , dont you???

may be next life... as you said to me the first day we met and while we kissed... :)

may be we meet next life... :)

how selfish me!

it aches on my upper chest...

"ill be alright :)" with a smile... :)

you please be with her...

:)

te amo...

you may never know what i mean by that....

:)

take care

my little monkey...

girls room

ladies toilet...

its so nice to sit here..

on her lap... my western toilet..i used to hate her before...

i was all indian.. :) and then used to get pain on me knee..

but now i have started liking the western and then i feel never to even come out of it..

you can just simply sit there.. and do nothing or do everything..

But why not..

30. 09. 2010
9.42 pm

A letter.

my love..

i dont know if i can call you the same..
few seconds back my phone was laughing at me for trying to call on the same number for the 100th time or more..
i knew it was going to say again " the number you have dialled is currently unavailable"
yea that makes me feel better, it says "currently unavailable" that means it might be available later..

when we cant talk..
when we cant see...
when we cant be together..
we know how it feels..
then what make us feel better is the love we have for each other,
but when we miss each other,
i think you know what i mean by "i miss you"
i miss "you in me" or "me in you"

i cant even ask you why this is happening..
because i owe you a lot..
my life..
you really loved me like noone ever loved before..
you really cared me like noone ever cared before..
you really really hugged me like.....

i cant tell you in words what i miss now..
i know i cant ask you "why"
i owe you much more than that..
but tell me what i should do..

i still believe what we had was pure and serene, no?
i still believe in us..and our love..

my dear...
i was trying to convince myself that..
may be
1. he is really busy.
2. he is with his family.
3. he is etc etc.

so i should just simply wait and give him time...
is that what i should do?

or sometimes my thoughts pour some other colors..
they say
1. he has something else to tell you..
2. he has some misunderstandings..
3. he is out of this.
4. he is....

i dont know it goes on...
i thought you might even "regret" what we had...
but that could be the worst..

dearest...
i will never come to disturbe you in your life..
you should just tell me ...
i have already got more than i deserve...
you will be always deep in my heart..

the other day when i called you ..
you were asking me "who am i to you"?
my love..

im not asking you "why"
i still believ in us...
but just tell me what i should do..
am i left alone in this path?
should i turn back hoping ill be seeing you there..
or if i turn back is that going to be a blank empty endless road?
then i better not to turn back..
ill tell myself that you were there...
and i walk further, believing myself you are with me...
and you will be...

im not asking you "why you came to me"
because i have got more than i deserve...
so i should be happy with what i had already..
but tell me what i should do now..
where should i stand..

you took me to the heights - heights of love and care..
up above my world...
much above the sky and those stars..
i didnt know how to fly..
you took me there..
and one fine day i see me alone there...
you left me?
i am not ready to believ that...
where are you?
hiding behind those stars?
clouds?
mon amour...
is this end of the fly?
am i falling down ?
without you?

but you know what..
ill be falling happily..
becaue i had such a wonderful time with you...
those memories could be the best thing in my life..
thank you ...if only i can hug you now..
cant wait to see you...

im still not asking you "why..."
but please tell me what to do..

im this little girl who lost her way....
sitting under that big banyan tree near the temple we have gone together once...
sitting there all those evenings nights and mornings..
hoping that her love will come back one day and give her a hug...
what is it making you go so far away from me?
what is it...

my dear friend...
you know me , no?
then why..
how....

im crossing my fingers..
praying with all my heart..
that you still love me..
that you still understand me..
that you still feel me..
that you are still my love..

you dont regret what we had, do you?
oh my little prince... ill die the moment you say that...
you dont have to come back to me....
but dont ever misunderstand "my love for you"
you know what you are for me.., right?

sigh...
what else i can say..
can i just call you "my love.."
and keep you in my heart with all my love?
and just live my life hoping that you are with me..?

i tried calling you again on that phone "now it is switched off"
my life.......
you plkease take care....
all my prayers love and wishes will be there for you and your family..
i think whatever that makes us separate is not something "i did"
and please forgive me if i did anything wrong without knowing..
and if i said something wrong in this mail...

dear...
you did care for me...
you did love me..
so i did...
and i still do...

umma kuttii...
why dont you just call me one more time and say "umma kutti"?
why not?

oh my god..
how i wish to die now...
as i said the other day..
after all its a small beautiful life..
keep walking..

but tell me ....

wont you?

when i see the sea..

it has been darker than ever..

i see the sea of ash and deep blue..

and im blind..

i dont see the colors anymore..

i dont see the rainbow..

i dont see me anymore...

yes...

its a long time...
since i have been here...

the other day he was asking to her
what is sin..
and she smiled

but today when she saw him, she said
you know what, i am sin!

hey im sick!!

i thought i was fallin ill,
and i was,

incredibly ill im!!
and the pain blooms in my abdomen..
and it burns, n grows like a big banyan tree..
and it burns from it roots to the leaves..

i just feel like to cut it!! cut it from the bottom
the root goes until the edge of my vagina..
and it start bleedin there...

hey sweety..
it says take a pain killer and sleep tight..
oh !!

kill my pain!!

come back..

yea we said its different now.. but,

i never wanted this to fade away..

i never wanted you to go beyond that..

come back.. though we left us..

come back and hug me, my love

come back...

im happy!

im happy

its all about happiness...
my chocolate melts...mmm.. yummy..
im happy...

i love this..
its a rainbow..

orgasm..

i didnt know that i cant go back..

i wish: can i go back where i was?
u say: u can never my dear..
i wish: y? i want to go back to the same time n space..
u say: u cant, coz it doesnt exist anymore..
i wish: ah.. if i go back..?
u say: ull be in a different time and space.. thats all

i wish: its painful...
u say: it is...